No man wants to fail as a father. But when you think about it, most men get more training to drive a car than they get to be a father. Yet, Paul commands fathers, not mothers, “Bring up your children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” This episode’s purpose is to help Christian fathers put Paul’s admonition into practice by knowing what elements need to be included in a biblical training plan for their children.
Could anything be more important than helping a child reach her full potential? Is there any activity of God’s covenant family leaders that is more expected of God than training our children, for God says to THEM,
Keep your father's commandment, and forsake not your mother's teaching. Bind them on your heart always; tie them around your neck. When you walk, they will lead you; when you lie down, they will watch over you; and when you awake, they will talk with you. For the commandment is a lamp and the teaching a light, and the reproofs of discipline are the way of life (Prov 6:20-23).
Wow. Is our training of our children important or what? So, what components should this training plan include? I want to suggest four.
Foundation # 1: A HEART Trained in the Way It Should Go Through CONSEQUENCES
The biblical worldview of parenting begins with the reality that our child is a glorious ruin. She is glorious because she is created to be God’s image-bearer, to exercise dominion over herself and world, shaping her life and surroundings according to the righteous law of God, which is written on her heart. She is created with the capacity to internalize the truth that sin brings pain; but obedience to God’s law brings life. She has the dignity to take responsibility for her attitudes, choices, feelings, decisions, and actions and make corrections. Her value is derived from being a bearer of the very image of the High King of the universe. She does not need to be the center of the universe, put others down to elevate herself, or expect life to revolve around her. She has the confidence to practice the respect for others that she has been trained to offer them.
This glorious picture of humanity as God’s image-bearers has been marred, however, by our race’s rebellion against God. Our child is glorious—but he is a ruin. His sinful nature will destroy him if we do not curb that nature through firm discipline. Discipline your son while there is hope, And do not desire his DEATH (Prov 19:18). We must recognize how countercultural biblical parenting methodology is at this point. The humanism of today’s parenting philosophy refuses to curb a child’s sinful self-centeredness. Such parenting is CRUEL. It does NOT teach him that he must conform to the reality of how life works. Life is not all about him. Letting a child go his own way, refusing to train him to restrain himself is training him to be a fool. Proverbs 29:15 tells us, the rod and reproof give wisdom, BUT A CHILD WHO GETS HIS OWN WAY brings shame to his mother.
The irony of child-centered parenting is that it destroys the very thing it claims to protect—a child’s self-image. A child who is not firmly disciplined will never learn to master himself. He will become a teen and adult without self-control, whose soul is like a city that is broken into and without walls (Prov 25:28)—helpless against any invading whim, feeling, or addiction that takes her captive. In contrast, a child whose heart has been trained by painful consequences to say “no” to herself will enjoy the confidence of self-mastery her entire life. Character builds destiny. Here are four laws of living that a child’s heart must learn through consequences. (The first two were covered in greater depth two weeks ago).
A. The Law of Sowing and Reaping. Satan, the GREAT LIAR, minimized the cost of doing evil in his conversation with Eve. Perhaps that is why Paul later said, DO NOT BE DECEIVED: whatever one sows, that will he also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap… life. (Gal 6:7-8). From the time a child is crawling he needs to hear “no” and experience pain if he disobeys. When our kids were quite young, we taught them to come immediately, when we looked at them and said, “Come.” Others in our church marveled that after the service when we commanded, “Come,” they would instantly do so. But that wasn’t anything special. They had learned from the very beginning that if they didn’t stop what they were doing immediately and come—they got painful consequences. Children must learn that disobedience brings pain in their own experience for their conscience to grow into understanding the cost and folly of going their own way. Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him (Prov 22:15).
B. The Law of Responsibility. Have you ever had a conversation with one of your kids who was just fighting with his brother. It usually goes something like this, “Johnny, what did you do?” “Billy called me a douche bag.” “I didn’t ask you what Billy did, I asked, what you did.” “Billy’s been putting me down all morning long. He needed to be told I wasn’t putting up with it anymore.” “Johnny, what did you do?” “I gave him a little shove, but then Billy smacked me in the face, look at my black eye. He’s the one that started this fight….” Ever since Adam said, “The woman whom you gave to me gave me the fruit and I ate,” humans have been making excuses and blaming others for their sin. Mature adults take responsibility. I love the glimpse we sometimes see in the sports world of players saying, “my bad” and pointing to themselves after a bad play. How rarely we see this outside the athletic world. Instead, CYA rules the day.
C. The Law of Power. John Townsend, the author of Boundaries with Kids tells of reading Tom Sawyer when he was seven, deciding he was sick of his parents and siblings, and deciding to leave home. He writes, “So, one Saturday, I found a stick and a red bandanna, into which I packed my basic survival tools: peanut butter sandwich, flashlight, compass, ball, and two small green plastic army action figures. I left the house in the afternoon and walked a couple of blocks down the street to the woods. Resolutely I trudged where no boy had ever gone before. The trail ended and the brush got thick. I ate my sandwich. It got dark. I heard sounds. It was time to go home.”
John was powerful enough (old and capable enough) to be away from his family for the afternoon, but not powerful enough yet to leave home for good. The law of power means our job as parents is to link what is required of them to their changing capabilities. The wise teachers and parents I am around always give age-appropriate tasks for their kids to do instead of rescuing them. This is the law of power. It builds their confidence to do such things. Sometimes, though, a child’s sinful nature causes the child to want YOU to do things that are HIS responsibility. But wise parents are intentional about the law of power—requiring their kids to stretch to do age-appropriate tasks for themselves, only then stepping in when they are actually needed.
One worrisome violation of the law of power is allowing our child to think he has the power to avoid the consequences of his wrong actions. When children think they can avoid being caught, they no longer focus on self-restrain but on getting away with it. The result is not character maturity but character pathology. Wise parents impose extra pain for dishonesty and extra reward for being honest in confessing wrongs. Another violation of this law is our child thinking he can control others, which leads to worry, being controlling, and bitterness. The goal for your child is to give up the idea that he can control others and to concentrate on controlling himself. Mature people know what they have power over and what they do not. They invest themselves in the first and let go of the second.
D. The Law of Respect. Our little bundle of joy comes into the world totally self-absorbed. He needs to be trained to respect others. Consider 11-year-old Billy:
“Mom, I’m going down to Joey’s to play hockey. See you later.”
“No. Billy. You can’t go. It’s time to do your homework.”
“Come on Mom! Everyone is going. I can do my homework later.”
“Billy, I understand you want to go, but we agreed that if you went swimming, you would work on your homework before dinner.”
“Yeah, but I could do it after dinner.”
“An agreement is an agreement. I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”
“You’re just stupid. You don’t understand anything. You’re a big, fat, stupid.”
How might a mom respond to such disrespect?
“Billy, I understand that you are disappointed. But calling me stupid is not okay. Telling me how you feel is okay. Please think about what you said and say it again but respectfully.”
“I don’t want to say it respectfully.”
“I don’t listen to talk that attacks my character. So, after you do your homework, you will miss screen time of any kind tonight while you think about how to treat others respectfully.”
Foundation # 2: CHARACTER Expressed in Godly Attitudes
As we saw two weeks ago, childrearing is about helping children develop character that will take them through life safely, securely, productively, and joyfully. Here is a useful target on the wall as a starting point for instilling eight foundational character qualities.
1. Teach them attentiveness, which can be defined as showing the worth of a person by paying sincere attention to his words. This pre-requisite to obedience requires a child to look us in the eyes when we speak to him and listen carefully to us and others, which builds the skillset he will need to listen to his conscience.
2. Teach them obedience, which can be defined as trusting God’s love for me enough to follow his commands. An obedient heart loves the law of the Lord and understands the authority of parents and God himself who punishes evil and rewards good.
3. Teach them contentment, which can be defined as “realizing that God has already provided everything I need for my present happiness.” Complaining about our circumstances is public disloyalty to the God who ordained them, and we must teach our kids that true fulfillment comes not in pleasant circumstances but through love relationships with God and others.
4. Teach them responsibility, which can be defined as recognizing and doing what both God and others are expecting from me, even if it means unexpected sacrifice. Parenting could be summed up as gradually transferring to a child more and more responsibility for his own life.
5. Teach them stewardship, which could be defined as recognizing that my body and resources belong ultimately to God but he has given temporary ownership of them to me to be used for his glory. This temporary ownership of my body and possessions means caring for them well and also that no one else is to touch my private parts.
6. Teach them gratefulness, which could be defined as making known to God and others in what ways they have benefited my life. Gratefulness undermines an “entitlement mentality” that expects to be given to by reminding our children of God’s great mercy towards us and the fact that to whom much is given, of him much is required.
7. Teach them compassion, which could be defined as investing whatever is necessary to heal the hurts of others. Helping a child begin to put himself in another’s shoes equips him to feel the pain of others, enabling him to meet the universal human need to feel understood, and motivating him to do what it takes to try to alleviate such pain.
8. Teach them love, which could be defined as sacrificing whatever is necessary to meet the needs of another, without having as my motive personal reward. God IS love and he has designed life so that the greatest fulfillment in life is loving and being loved. (Note: some of these definitions are taken from the Character Clues game produced by IBLP).
Foundation # 3: The WORD OF GOD Internalized
Scripture is the ultimate equipping tool for growing to spiritual maturity. 2 Tim 3:16 tell says, All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete. Our children need to build their lives upon the truth of God. Here are 4 steps from Deuteronomy 6 to enable parents to help their kids do that.
A) You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might (vs 5). Life-changing teaching of Scripture begins in our own hearts with our love for God. We must begin here, so that our children never think that we are keeping God’s Law to earn his love or because we fear condemnation. The 10 Commandments were given to Israel AFTER they have been freed from slavery to Egypt (symbolic for slavery to sin.) The law of God was never given for Israel or us to earn God’s love or to work our way to freedom from sin. Rather, it was given as a guide to show us how to respond to HIS love with OUR love.
B) And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart (vs 6). There is a natural flow from loving God with all our being to having his Word on our hearts, so that we can obey it. In this text, God is saying what Jesus would later repeat, In John 14:6, If you love me, you will keep my commandments. Psalm 119:11 says, I have stored up your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you. Devotion to obeying Scripture is not legalism; it is the proper expression of love for the God who first loved us. Getting Scripture into my own heart is the best way to get my followers to take it seriously and shape their lives by it.
C) You shall teach these words diligently to your children (vs 7) The Hebrew word for teach is from the word used for sealing a letter with an official seal. It means imprint. It pictures rote memorization. Our kids need two categories of truth imprinted on their minds.
Category # 1: The big picture foundation of biblical truth. The New City Catechism is designed to help children ages 8-11 learn the core doctrines of our faith. The New City Catechism Curriculum kit, available through the Gospel Coalition, provides everything a dad needs to take his kids through 52 engaging lessons that match the catechism questions. Here are 1-7.
1. What is our hope in life and death? That we are not our own but belong to God.
2. What is God? God is the creator of everyone and everything.
3. How many persons are there in God? There are three persons in one God: the Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit.
4. How and why did God create us? God created us male and female in his own image to glorify him.
5. What else did God create? God created all things, and all his creation was very good.
6. How can we glorify God? By loving him and obeying his commands and law.
7. What does the law of God require? That we love God with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength; and that we love our neighbor as ourselves.
Category # 2: Scripture itself: My thought about Scripture itself is this progression: Psalm 1, the Beatitudes Mt 5:3-12, Ten Commandments, and then the Navigator’s Topical Memory System, which organizes 12 individual texts around the 5 areas of: living the new life, proclaiming Christ, reliance on God’s resources, being Christ’s disciple, growth in Christlikeness.
D) And shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. The reason for having the Law on our hearts is so that we can meditate on it during the day and so we can teach it to our children all through the day, applying it to everyday life. Every dad wants his family members to be successful, especially from an eternal perspective. To equip our children for success in life, there is no better tool than the Word of God:
Foundation # 4: BIBLICAL WORLDVIEW of Current Cultural Issues EMBRACED
At this cultural moment the Bible-believing church is losing the rising generation to deconversion at an unprecedented rate. Thousands are just renouncing their Christian faith, while others are embracing Christianity’s imposter, Progressive “Christianity.” This process is so alarming that I have been devoting much time to understanding why this deconversion is taking place. What is most clear is that those deconverting are largely from Bible believing churches and homes that did not prepare their teen to leave their Christian subculture cocoon with an understanding of the other worldviews they would be exposed to.
At this cultural moment, it is vital that Christian dads be equipped to lead their teens to see how biblical truth destroys arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and takes every thought captive to obey Christ. In today’s world, the rising generation needs help not only to have confident answers to arguments like, “science disproves God,” “how could a good god allow suffering,” “there can’t be just one true religion.” It needs to be equipped to recognize the poisonous roots of Progressive “Christianity”, which denies the bodily resurrection, that men are to lead their homes, that sex belongs only in marriage, that homosexuality is wrong, and that Jesus’ death was necessary to atone for our sin. Creeping into discussions by these so-called Evangelical Christians is the denial of God’s gender design, promotion of unbiblical views of economic justice, and views of racial justice that are evil. But these very anti-biblical views are taking captive many kids from Bible-believing churches, leading them to embrace Progressive “Christianity.” At this cultural moment it is imperative that every plan for training a Christian teen include a major emphasis on the Christian worldview response to false ideologies taking many teens captive. This summer's July and August podcasts will be devoted to equipping dads to teach such biblical worldview responses.
Men, the show notes for this episode include resources for each of these four foundations required for a biblical plan to train a child. Please consider sending a link to this podcast or blog episode to other dads. The dads I know want help building an effective training plan that helps every one of their kids become all they can be in Christ!
For Further Prayerful Thought.
- How would you support the argument that the starting point for training a child is to help his heart learn to hate evil because he experiences painful consequences from bad choices and love righteousness because he experiences benefit from making good choices?
- In the portrait of eight character qualities that we must instill in our children, which ones stood out?
- What insight stood out in 4-step process of helping kids internalize the Word of God. Why do you think so many young parents are using the New City Catechism with their children.
- Is it overstating the case to say that dads who send their kids out into the secular world, after being cocooned in the Christian sub-culture with no training in worldviews, are sending out lambs to be slaughtered?
Resources
Foundation # 1: Heart Trained by Consequences
- Boundaries with Kids, Henry Cloud & John Townsend
- Raising Great Kids, Cloud & Townsend
Foundation # 2: Character Expressed in Godly Attitudes
- Character Development Training Plan (Pa 132 FOCUS NOTEBOOK)
Foundation # 3: Word of God Internalized
Foundation # 4: Biblical Worldview Embraced
- The Secular Creed: Engaging Five Contemporary Claims, Rebecca McLaughlin
- A Practical Guide to Culture: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Today’s World, John Stonestreet & Brent Kunkle
- Mama Bear Apologetics: Empowering Your Kids to Challenge Cultural Lies, Hillary Ferrer, Editor.
