Step One in Our Parenting Plan

One of my favorite memories as a dad was the way my kids, if they were playing in the yard and saw me drive up, would run to greet me. That always made me think of Proverbs 17:6, the glory of children is their father. Fathers don’t deserve it, but God has designed into our children a natural tendency to admire and want time with us—despite our many imperfections. That is reassuring as we continue our series, “How God Uses Imperfect Fathers to Impact Their Kids’ Lives.” I can’t count how many times I have said to God, “If you need me to be a perfect dad to work in my kids lives, they are in deep weeds. Thank goodness you do NOT!” This episode looks at the starting point for parenting well, thinking biblically about what our goal is.

As we saw last week, Scripture is quite clear that God makes fathers the ones responsible for raising up their children in the way they should go even though MOTHERS seem so much better at it. Wives need us to carry the weight, when it comes to discipline, which then allows them to flourish and contribute great, vitally necessary assistance. For Christian dads to succeed in this vital leadership calling they need to have a clear goal, so they can formulate a strategy to reach the goal and a plan to be implemented. Let’s look to Scripture for wisdom for this plan.

WHAT IS THE GOAL OF PARENTING?

Cloud and Townsend, in their classic parenting book, Boundaries With Kids answer, “Childrearing is primarily about helping children develop character that will take them through life safely, securely, productively, and joyfully.” In our homes, parents teach our children how the world works—reality. Character is the structure and abilities within us that make up how we operate in life. In other words, character is the sum of our abilities to deal with life as God designed us to. The long-term perspective of parenting is that we are investing in our child so that he can leave us and function as a godly adult in the world God created. The goal of parenting is an independent adult with godly character. Parenting has to do with more than the present; it is fundamentally preparing a child for the future. A child’s character is his destiny. Numerous passages of Scripture point to godly character as the target for which we aim as parents:

• Romans 8:29: For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be CONFORMED TO THE IMAGE OF HIS SON, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers.
• Galatians 5:19-23: Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these…But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.
• Hebrews 12:7-10: We had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, THAT WE MAY SHARE HIS HOLINESS. 

PATHWAY TO BUIDING GODLY CHARACTER

As we observed last week, God commands Christian fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord (Eph 6:4). Let’s examine four aspects of Paul’s teaching.

1. “Do not provoke your children to anger.” Paul first identifies how most discipline and training are done—by the seat of the pants in an angry reaction to behavior. For example, a dad on the playground, says to his son, “Stop playing on the monkey bars.” But his son knows that this command means nothing. His father will not act until he has told the boy four or five times to stay off the monkey bars. So, the son continues to ignore his father’s command. The father, who is busy talking, yells at him again, but the son knows that his dad is not steamed up enough to act. Finally, the father reaches his limit and explodes, “You’ve got me really angry with you now. Go get into that car.” The dad has successfully trained his son not to obey until he starts to get angry. He also made the issue HIS anger instead of the son’s disobedience. This reaction-based parenting teaches a child to ignore a parent’s instructions until the parent’s anger reaches the boiling point. And anger-based parenting is harsh, which stirs up anger in the child. Paul condemns this reactionary approach of provoking children to anger and goes on to explain the opposite approach to discipline—having a plan.
2. “Bring them up”: Dads are NOT to watch their children grow up but to actively raise them with intentionality. Actively bringing them up, requires us to have a clear goal, a strategy, and a plan to be implemented.
3. “In the discipline”: This Greek word is PAIDEA, from which we get pediatric. It means using consequences to train children. A father’s punishing authority is not to be used selfishly, or reflexively. Rather, it is to be part of a TRAINING plan. It is extremely important to note that just EXPLAINING RIGHT AND WRONG does not work. Children need to EXPERIENCE CONSEQUENCES—good consequences for doing the right thing and bad consequences for doing the wrong thing. Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him (Prov 22:15). As parents stay consistent in their discipline the child will begin to internalize the pain and reward he is feeling into a rudimentary conscience. As he matures and learns that such attitudes please or displease God, his motivation moves towards the more mature motivation of loving God and others from his heart. But there is no shortcut—no way around receiving consequences for good or bad behavior. That is what trains the child’s heart. That is what Paul teaches by using the word PAIDEA, discipline.
4. "And instruction of the Lord": The third word, instruction, means literally “to put into the mind.” This instruction is of course the wisdom of God, the law of the Lord, which is summarized in Proverbs 22:6, Train up a child IN THE WAY HE SHOULD GO; even when he is old he will not depart from it. This instruction process also requires intentionality, forming and executing a plan.

OVERCOMING TWO PARTS OF A CHILD’S SINFUL NATURE

The reason that biblical approaches to raising children work so well is that the biblical worldview maintains two vital truths about our children. First, they are priceless, image bearers of God and must be treated throughout the training process with dignity and respect that never shames them. Second, they are fallen sinners in need of correction, or they will become selfish, egotistical monsters.  God makes this clear in Proverbs 29:15 The rod and reproof give wisdom, BUT A CHILD WHO GETS HIS OWN WAY brings shame to his mother. I love Cloud and Townsend’s description of a newborn child: “They are little people who are out of control of themselves and attempting to control everyone around them. They do not want to take control of themselves to adapt to the requirements of Mom and Dad; they want Mom and Dad to change the requirements” (Ibid). Here are two core parts of human fallenness that “must be driven out by our discipline.”

1. SUPPRESSING THE TRUTH ABOUT THE COST OF SIN

Adam and Eve both knew that although they had been given the luscious fruit of hundreds if not thousands of other trees in the garden to enjoy, there was one tree that was off limits. The consequence of eating from that tree would be death. In his temptation of Eve, Satan directly contradicted God’s word, denying this consequence for sin. “You will not surely die” (Gen 3:4). Temptation always minimizes the cost of sin. That is why administering pain for wrong choices is foundational for training a child. When our child starts to crawl and reaches to touch the fireplace, the parent must get down at her level, look her in her eye and say, “No.” If she touches it anyway, her finger should by smacked, with the statement again, “No.” This principle is right out of the Garden of Eden. In counseling it is called, “setting limits.” All of parenting is preparing a child for the real world—and in the world God designed, the wage of sin is always destruction.

• Galatians 6:7-8: Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life.
• Deuteronomy 28: (Verses 1-14 blessing for obedience) e.g. And if you faithfully obey the voice of the Lord your God, …Blessed shall be the fruit of your womb and the fruit of your ground and the fruit of your cattle, the increase of your herds and the young of your flock. Blessed shall be your basket and your kneading bowl. Blessed shall you be when you come in, and blessed shall you be when you go out….(Verse 15-68 curses for disobedience) But if you will not obey the voice of the Lord your God, then all these curses shall come upon you and overtake you. Cursed shall you be in the city, and cursed shall you be in the field. Cursed shall be your basket and your kneading bowl. Cursed shall be the fruit of your womb, etc. The curses continue for another 45 verses!

God has designed creation so that reality rewards whatever conforms to his holy nature. Living in conformity to his moral law brings benefit. We reap what we sow. The law of sowing and reaping is a law we depend upon daily, both positively and negatively. If I work hard, I can advance in my career. If I spend time with people I care about, my relationship with them will grow. Negatively, if I eat everything I want to I will gain weight and be unhealthy. If I don’t get enough sleep, I will be tired. Disobeying God’s laws for the physical, relational, and spiritual world ends in destruction. That is REALITY. That is why God urges parents, Discipline your son while there is hope, And do not desire his DEATH (Prov 19:18).

Training our children means preparing them for REALITY—which is why giving consequences is foundational to all successful parental training. True change usually comes only when someone’s behavior causes him to encounter reality consequences like pain or loss of time, money, possessions, things he enjoys, and people he values. The law of sowing and reaping won’t be learned by children just by telling them about it. Parenting experts Cloud and Townsend observe,

"Parents can tell children over and over what is good for them; they can preach about the way things ought to be and the way to success and the good life. But until their preaching and teaching comes true for the child in his experience of consequences, it is only theory, nagging, and parental noise. For the truth to be true to the child or anyone else, it has to be REAL, not just a concept" (Ibid).

Seven Insights for Shaping Consequences

1. Save “consequences” for use when a child is developing a bad behavior pattern. Painful consequences for bad behavior come when reasoning, warnings, and talking are not correcting the behavior.
2. Don’t bring “consequences” automatically but listen to the child’s explanation of her behavior. Nine times out of ten, she will make excuses that should not enable her to avoid consequences for wrong attitudes. But treating her with dignity requires allowing her a hearing—and there might be extenuating circumstances that would make punishment unjust.
3. Make the consequences a natural outflow of the crime. If I am perpetually late for dinner, I may miss eating. If I don’t do my chores around the house, I may miss out on the privileges the rest of the family enjoys.
4. Give immediate consequences. “The younger the child, the more immediate the consequence needs to be. With young children, firm nos, time-outs, a swat on the behind and removal from the situation work well” (Ibid).
5. Avoid emotional consequences; put into effect reality consequences, instead. Telling Johnny “I am angry with you” or shaming him does not teach Johnny to do better. Feeling the pain of loss of screen time or play time with friends teaches him much better than saying “I’m angry with you.”
6. Don’t think every right action must be rewarded. Sticker charts and rewards have a place in learning new disciplines or correcting behavior patterns that are especially hard for a particular child to master. But generally, our kids need to know that certain attitudes and behavior are expected in the family.
7. Praise good attitudes as often as you correct bad ones. A climate in which children receive a regular diet of affirmation for right attitudes rather than stickers or financial rewards is the best way to help the child internalize the motivation to please you, and eventually please their heavenly father.

2. BLAMING OTHER PEOPLE OR CIRCUMSTANCES TO EXCUSE THEIR WRONG

When Adam and Eve are held accountable by God for their disobedience, we observe the crass instinctive response of fallen humans—blaming others for their failures instead of owning them. In fact, Adam is so brazen that he even blames God—the woman WHOM YOU GAVE TO ME—she gave me the fruit of the tree. What a pathetic picture of manhood—trying to hide behind his wife’s skirt for his actions! As the one created to be the protector of the garden and its inhabitants, Adam should have been out in front of Eve protecting her from Satan’s temptation in the first place. As those who have inherited Adam’s passive nature it is worth noting that God’s description of Adam’s sin was not just that he ate the fruit. God’s words of judgement were, “Because you have listened to the voice of your wife and have eaten from the tree.” Adam refused to lead; but chose to follow Eve. He rebelled against God's created order. Adam was to lead, and he and Eve were to rule the creatures. But instead, Adam followed Eve, who followed the creature. Then Adam blamed his disobedience on Eve.

Eve’s first response when confronted with her sin was also to blame someone else, in her case the serpent. The serpent deceived me, and I ate. Human beings have been trying to avoid taking responsibility for their wrong choices ever since. That is why the second most important principle in child training is the law of responsibility. Children come into the world with Adam and Eve’s desire to be unaccountable to God stamped into their soul. Children do not want to take control of themselves to adjust to their parent’s requirements, life’s requirements, or God’s requirement. This nature is described by God in the words, Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him. God created humans to exercise dominion over themselves and their environment on behalf of God, himself. This process starts by teaching a child that she is required to take control of herself to adjust to the laws of the world God created, not demand that her world adjust to her wishes and whims. Sometimes, clear lines of responsibility—a child knowing what she is and is not responsible for—are called boundaries. Sin has blurred our boundaries. Wanting to be like God, we want accountability to no one, we want to control other people, and we get angry when we can’t control the environment around us. This tendency is what the Bible calls folly. Its only answer is firm discipline—teaching our children what they are and are not responsible for and giving consequences for good and bad choices.

Those with Godly character are mature adults who take responsibility—ownership for their feelings, attitudes, behaviors, choices, limits, talents, thoughts, desires, values, and loves. A person who says, “my feelings are my problem,” or “my bad attitude is my problem” is a mature adult—and the kind of person others want to have a relationship with. If they show up late for work, they don’t blame the traffic. If they are angry, they go to the source of their anger and deal with it instead saying, “he makes me so mad.” In contrast, immature people see themselves as victims, blaming others, making excuses, and expecting others to fix their problems.

1. Children are responsible for their feelings: Kids, by nature, are impulse disorders waiting to happen. There is a direct, automatic link between their feelings and behavior. But when a child experiences the pain of consequences for the way he expresses his feelings, it reprograms him. Nathan threw temper tantrums when he was frustrated. His mom changed her approach, saying, “I know things make you angry and I feel for your frustration. But your behavior when you are angry is disrupting the rest of the family. So, here is the plan. When you’re mad, you can tell us you are because we want you to be honest with your feelings. And if it is about us, we will sit down and try to resolve the problem. But yelling, cursing, stomping, and throwing aren’t acceptable. If those happen you will have to go to your room without access to your phone, computer, or music until you can be civil. Then, for the minutes you have disrupted the family you will need to do the same number of minutes of household chores.” As Nathan’s mom stuck to her guns, she trained Nathan out of the short circuit from his anger to acting out. It took a while, but Nathan built a new pattern. When he felt anger building up he began to reason, “if I explode in anger, I am going to spend time away from my phone and doing chores I hate.” The pain of consequences did its job!

2. Children are responsible for treating others with respect. When two sisters would share their day, the more outgoing daughter, Taylor, kept interrupting the quieter daughter, Heather. The parents said to Taylor, “I know you are excited about all you have to tell us. But it’s rude to Heather and hurts her feelings when you interrupt her. We would like you to hold your thought until she’s through talking. If you can’t, we’ll double the time Heather can talk until you can restrain yourself. We hope this helps you get more self-control, because otherwise this habit could make people resent you.” Taylor tested the system and her parents followed through with the consequences. On night three Heather was talking and the parents noticed Taylor open her mouth and take a breath. But then she looked at her mom and dad with a grin and said, “What were you saying Heather?”

Establishing consequences to train our children in the way they should go takes a lot of hard work. The only thing tougher than implementing your discipline plan to help your child develop ownership for his attitudes and behavior is living with a child who never receives such discipline!  

For Further Prayerful Thought.

1. How would you answer the question, “What is the goal of parenting?”
2. What stood out to you about what Paul taught fathers about effective parenting in Ephesians 6:4?
3. It has been argued that either parents teach their children self-control through a small degree of pain now for wrong behavior, or life will teach them self-control later through experiencing much greater pain for wrong behavior. Do you agree or disagree? How would you support your argument.
4. How have you learned to take ownership—responsibility for your own feelings, attitudes, and behavior instead of blaming other people or circumstances?